Michael Colbert

Finger in Leg

So my finger’s in her leg. I don’t mean my fingers are in her legs, I mean my finger is in her fucking leg. There’s a hole of flesh, and my finger is in it.

We’re on our way to the hospital. Keith’s driving. Emily and I are in the backseat. We’re not in the front seat because we wouldn’t both fit. Keith said that I shouldn’t take my finger out or Emily might die and all. So that’s why we’re sitting in the back. Emily is looking a little blue in the face.

“Stop looking at me all funny,” Emily says.

“You’re blue is all,” I say. I murmur, and she yells at me for murmuring. “You’re blue is all. All I’m saying is you’re blue.” I make sure I say it louder this time.

“Shut up, would you!”

I forget that Keith’s driving. Keith doesn’t like it when we make a lot of noise when he drives. So we sit in silence. We have another hour or two until we get to the hospital. You see, we live in the middle of Maine and we thought it would be best to go to Boston. Make a day out of it. But now we’re in the car and it’s taking a long time. Maybe we should’ve thought of that before Keith shot Emily and I put my finger in to stop the bleeding. But Emily should’ve thought of it before she told Keith, “Bet you won’t shoot me.”

We go over a bump and my finger sorta comes out of her leg. I jam it back in and she screams a lot. “Fuck, Mickey. What did you do that for?”

“It wasn’t my fault. It was just Keith driving bad.”

“Don’t make fun of my driving or I’ll turn this car around.”

“Don’t turn the car around, you fuckhead. You shot me in the first place.” That shuts Keith up.

It all started when we ordered pizza. Emily wanted cheese and Keith wanted Hawaiian so we got half-and-half. Then Emily started making fun of Keith’s taste. Not the way he tasted, but the things that he liked to eat. You see, it’s an important distinction because one time Emily accidentally bit off some of Keith’s arm. She didn’t make this distinction, so Keith got all defensive.

“What’s wrong with how I taste?”

“But you’re forgetting about Hawaii. You’re making fun of their pizza.”

This made Emily all mad. You see, she wrote her dissertation on the place of Italian culture in Hawaii. So she got all mad. She made fun of Keith because he studies classics. Then Keith got all defensive again.

The pizza came and everyone calmed down for a bit. I thought we’d maybe have a good night after all. Then Emily had to go and say it. “Bet you wouldn’t shoot me.”

We pass by a sign for Sheep Land and Emily gets all excited. “Keith, let’s stop at Sheep Land. It looks so nice!”

Keith gets mad again and says that it’s dark outside and don’t make me shoot you again. Emily leans forward to slap his head and my finger gets yanked out again so I shove it back in real quick. “You fucker!” she howls. “If it comes out, just leave it out.”

“But I don’t want you dying is all,” I say.

“If your finger comes out and I’m not dying, I think it’s okay,” Emily says. I disagree but I decide to let it go. She’s the one who’s been shot after all. We continue for a few more hours and get to the hospital in Boston. It’s almost morning. We get inside the waiting room but it’s kinda tough to maneuver out of the car without taking my finger out of her leg. 

We get a room and the doctor comes in. It’s Sandra. Sandra and I went to school together. We dated and then got married and had four kids and got divorced. Sandra and I don’t talk much anymore. We send Christmas cards every year though.

“Hey guys! Good to see you!” Sandra says. She looks real professional in her white coat. “What can I do you for?” She notices my finger in Emily’s leg, but I don’t think she thinks it’s sexual because she acts normal.

She pokes Emily’s leg a couple of times and takes my finger out and pokes it some more. My finger is pretty red. I wash it in the sink and then Sandra tells me to wash it some more. “How are the kids?” I ask.

“Oh good,” she says. “Melanie got married last week.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” I say. We both agree that Melanie is the best child. We like her the best too. I’m real happy for her.

“Anyway,” Sandra says. “By the looks of it, there’s not too much blood. So I think you’re good to go.”

Emily gets all excited and so does Keith. “Good thing I put my finger in your leg,” I say. This makes Sandra kinda weird, so she just leaves after a minute.

So we leave the hospital and then go to a Dunkin Donuts. We share a box of Munchkins and all get iced coffees. We’re all feeling happy, and I’m also happy thinking about Melanie. I wonder how our other kids are doing. Emily stands up all suddenly. “Shit, I have to go to work.” Good thing we’re already in Boston, I think.