Haley hulan

How to Poach Eggs in 14 Easy Steps

The first thing to keep in mind is not to overthink it. This is an advanced technique, but it’s nothing you can’t handle, promise!

1. In a large pot, bring three cups of water to a light simmer over medium heat. You want just a few bubbles, not full on boiling. If you leave your water too long and it begins to boil, just start over. It’ll take longer for the water to cool down than for new water to simmer. You have the time anyway.

2. While the water heats back up, add three tablespoons of vinegar. Don’t forget to add the vinegar again once you start over the second time.

3. Crack an egg into a small cup.

3.5 Those tiny Tupperwares you use for sauces should be perfect for this. Most of them are full of sauces. The pineapple mango salsa will go great with this, you think.

3.6 Dump that out onto a plate.

3.7 You might want to have as many eggs as you plan to poach within reach. You only have two eggs left after all that French toast. And the bread. And the spinach quiche that didn’t turn out very well.

4. Once the water and vinegar (don’t forget the vinegar) is simmering, hold the cup close to the water and slowly pour it into the pot. Let sit for two minutes. Please set a timer this time. The timer is on the couch because you were walking around with it while the sausage cooked. Where did you put the sausage? For fuck’s sake, where is the sausage? Who loses a plate of—it’s on the table next to the mixing bowl.

5. Put the mixing bowl in the sink.

5.5 You will be tempted to stir the egg while it’s cooking. This is called “the whirlpool method,” and it is fake. If you poured the egg slowly enough, the white will stay with the yolk. Just leave it.

5.6 Wash the mixing bowl.

6. After two minutes—it was more than two minutes because you got too distracted looking for the lost sausage to set the timer and then you started washing the mixing bowl—use a slotted spoon to gently fish the egg out of the water.

6.5 Walk around with it dripping for a bit while you look for your tea towel.

6.6 Find the tea towel where you left it after getting the banana bread out of the oven. You couldn’t find the other oven mitt. It’s on the counter next to the bell peppers, which you had already chopped by the time you realized you only had two eggs left and couldn’t make an omelet. Really, you could’ve just made scrambled eggs with bell peppers and onions and it would’ve tasted fine, but instead you insisted on learning how to poach two eggs in 848 words at 7:48 in the morning. Is it really a quarter to eight? You’ll have to get ready for work soon. Do you have work today?

7. Set the egg on the tea towel to dry. Repeat this method with the remaining egg. Why would you poach eggs when you only have two eggs left? Now you won’t be able to make hollandaise sauce. What is the point of poached eggs with no hollandaise? No, that’s eggs Benedict. Isn’t eggs Benedict poached eggs though? Isn’t that the whole thing? You don’t eat eggs Benedict; it’s got ham on it. You don’t eat ham.

7.5 Lose track of time looking up eggs Benedict and overcook the second egg.

8. Cut two thick slices of honey wheat bread, which smells vaguely of bananas because you didn’t wash the bread pan after you made the banana bread, because who can be bothered to wash a pan at 3:16 in the morning?

9. Place sliced tomatoes and bell peppers on the toast and top with the poached eggs. The first one should still be kind of warm.

9.5 Forget about the pineapple and mango salsa. Feel bad about it later. There are too many bell peppers. There would’ve been enough for an omelet. Stop thinking about omelets you can’t make.

10. Salt and pepper to taste. You use pepper because everyone says to salt and pepper food. You hate pepper. Hating pepper is for children. Are you looking for an excuse not to eat the poached eggs? Eat your fucking poached eggs. Wasting food doesn’t make anyone evil except you.

11. Place both on a plate next to the French toast and the sausage and the bad spinach quiche that you regret making and the banana bread.

12. Put the honey wheat bread away. Put it in the fridge so it doesn’t get as moldy as fast.

12.5 Stop accidentally eating moldy bread.

12.6 Also, stop doing it when it’s not an accident and you just feel bad for wasting bread.

13. See the potatoes in the corner.

13.5 Peel and boil six potatoes with salt.

13.6 Find your ricer in the cabinet. Stop putting it in the cabinet. It goes in the drawer.

14. Dice onions.